The Calm

I feel myself falling back into the old rut again.  Kelli's world: Where we settle for less.....  I don't know if I'm doing the right thing in getting married so soon.  I know I'm in love, and would be very upset if I ever lost Dave, but is this stress worth it?  The past three weeks I feel like we've been walking slowly together through a field of hidden bombs.  Every so often either one of us will step on one, causing a huge eruption that neither of us want to take the blame for.  I'm just so tired of it, physically and emotionally.  At times I find myself not even wanting to hold a conversation with him, because I'm scared whatever we talk about will turn into another argument or form of frustration.  It's getting harder to even get intimate.  I've heard of having a fight and having make up sex, but I'm still mad after the sex and it doesn't do anything for me anyways....  Sex isn't big for me regardless and I don't depend on it.  ((sigh)) But then things can be so good too.  Last nigt at the bar we had a great time just sitting with each other and enjoying each others company.  We danced (I sober for once) and focused on no one else but each other.  Normally we tend to get involved with all the drama surrounding us, but not last night.  The night was perfect until the very end.  Dave got jealous when another  guy pulled on a tuff of my hair.  It didn't mean anything to me, but still Dave feels threatened by it.  I just don't understand him sometimes. 

I guess besides the trouble w/ him, things have been ok lately.  I've been hanging out w/ the girls a lot more, and Dave and I just found a brand new apartment to move into on the water front.  It's a beautiful place.  The only problem is that we can't smoke in or w/ in 25 feet of the building.  I guess that's more of a reason now to quit.  We still have to wait for a for sure approval, but I can't see a reason why we would get disapproved.

Now, the time is calm.  I'm sitting here at work w/ nothing to do (except this) all by myself.  I tried putting my head down to sleep on my desk, but all this stuff keeps swarming around in my head.  I used to work at a gas station and when I had this problem, I would pick up a piece of paper and just write until I felt better.  I haven't done that in a long time.....  Until now.  I had a whole box at home filled with the gas station paper.  All my hopes, dream and sorrows were in that box, along with a few poems I had even written.  I gave it to a friend when I left home, but I'm sure she doesn't have it anymore...  It never hurts to ask though.  It's been over 4 years, I should try and get those back.

Kel